The truth, which is actually quite painful and common in most of our relationships, is that people treat you how they feel about you. This applies not only to work relationships but to friendships and romantic ones as well. From the tiniest insult to the usual behaviour, their deeds are often more than what they appear: they mean either respect or disregard, love or avoidance. If you have ever thought, “Why do they behave in such a way towards me?”, then you are not wrong—they are not pretending and yes, there is a message behind it.
Here I come to the rescue by breaking what it implies; explains why it is important; reveals the hidden signs; and suggests the possible actions you may take.
(In a personal way, I would say: This has happened to me quite a lot at my workplace—when I figured out the pattern, I stopped wondering why someone was distant and started asking what they felt. Huge difference.)
What does it mean when people treat you how they feel about you?
It most likely means that someone’s treatment of you (which can be a mix of kindness, neglect, criticism) is a reflection of how they feel inside towards you (either positively or negatively), if their behaviour is consistent with their internal emotional state.
Research in social psychology shows that our reflected appraisal (which is how we think that others see us) is the main factor that determines our self-concept.
To put it even simpler: if somebody considers you as a valuable person, then he will behave towards you in a way that is consistent with his belief (by showing you respect, love); on the other hand, if he doesn’t, then you will feel it.
It is not 100%. However, there are people who mistreat others due to their own problems (e.g. stress, trauma), but not because of you.
Therefore, use this as a sign and not as a final decision.
Why it happens (the underlying psychology)
a.) Emotion + behaviour link
If people like or value someone, research shows that they will exhibit more positive non-verbal cues, inclusive language, and supportive behaviours. On the other hand, indifference or low esteem is manifested as disregard or avoidance.
b.) The concept of reflected appraisal
As mentioned above: our self is shaped by the way others treat us.
c.) Self-worth, boundaries & treatment
The article on Medium puts it this way: “if you let people treat you unfairly, it is a sign on a deep, unconscious level that you feel unworthy.”
In reality, it is our own boundaries and the way we treat ourselves that serve as a measure of how others treat us.
d.) Emotional contagion and interpersonal dynamics
Emotional states can be transferred from one individual to another (emotional contagion).
If a person is insecure, anxious, or resentful—unintentionally, they may treat you in a manner that mirrors their inner state.
How to spot when someone treats you how they feel about you
Key signs of positive feeling
- They are always attentive and recall details about you.
- They do not let go of time with you, they make small ways to give you priority.
- They are stable: not only in words, but also in deeds.
- They enhance you—help you, when you are at the peak of your success, defend you, when you are not present.
Key signs of negative or neutral feeling
- They neglect or belittle your viewpoints.
- They are always cancelling, or making you feel like an after-thought.
- What they say is one thing but their actions don’t follow (e.g., “We’ll catch up” but never doing it).
- You are not comfortable; it is as if you were walking on eggshells or you are always demanding respect.
A simple table of signals
| Behaviour toward you | Likely underlying feeling | What to watch for |
|---|---|---|
| Invitations, follow-ups, check-ins | Positive regard / value | Time, enthusiasm, follow-through |
| Forgetting, ignoring messages | Low priority / indifference | Repeated pattern, not just one-off |
| Changing tone, distance | Discomfort / negative shift | Comments, body-language, climate change |
| Over-criticism, dismissal | Negative feeling / disrespect | Tone, pattern, communication-style |
Example: “He says he cares” vs. “He shows it”
An article from YourTango points out:
“If he treats you poorly, chances are he thinks poorly of you… he simply doesn’t respect you.”
In other words: words might be polite—but actions reveal the deeper truth.
What you can do about it (actions and strategies)
Step 1: Self-check
Ask: How do I feel in this relationship/interaction?
Do you often feel anxious, ignored, or that you are diminishing yourself? If so, that is a red flag.
Are you feeling comfortable, valued, and heard? If so, that’s a green light.
Step 2: Set clear boundaries
If you feel that someone is treating you badly, it may be a good idea to say:
“I feel X when you do Y — could we talk about that?”
Blaming less and using “I-messages” is more effective.
Step 3: Communicate expectations
Sometimes people simply don’t realize that their behaviour is perceived in a certain way.
Tell them: “When you cancel at the last minute several times, I feel less valued.”
Notice their reaction—not only words but also actions.
Step 4: Code-observing vs. code-changing
If the behaviour continues after you have set a boundary, it could mean:
- That they love you less than you thought.
- They may have personal issues that prevent them from treating you better.
You choose whether to stay, change your expectations or leave.
Step 5: Elevate your self-worth
The more you believe in your value from within, the less you will allow others to mistreat you.
Work on self-care, affirmations, and relationships where you really are valued.
(Author’s note: I kept a “treatment journal” for a month—noting how people responded to me in work and social situations. It transformed how I accepted or declined invitations and led to better friendships.)
How this applies in different contexts
At work
It’s understandable that if a co-worker deliberately excludes you from meetings, does not reply to your emails, or gives you the least interesting tasks, then these ways show how they perceive your position or worth in the team.
Solution: keep track of incidents, raise your concern, if it’s not resolved by your manager, contact HR or find a company that appreciates you.
In friendships
Friends who bail on you when you really need them, don’t ask how you are, or expect you to always be the one to initiate: these are the signs revealing their emotional investment in you.
Solution: communicate with them, check if they change their behavior, or choose to invest time in different relationships.
In romantic relationships
The majority of relationship experts say that if you are prioritized by someone you feel safe, and if not, you become insecure and anxious.
Good relationship = shared emotions + corresponding actions.
With family
It gets complicated here—setting boundaries might be more difficult. However, the same rule is valid: the way you are treated frequently indicates how they feel (or can’t feel) about you. Understanding this gives you the power to create a healthy distance or control your reactions.
Mistakes to avoid
Mistake 1: Assuming that bad treatment is always personally directed at you. Sometimes it is about their problems.
Mistake 2: Putting the blame on yourself. You are not the cause of someone else’s emotions or failures.
Mistake 3: Not paying attention to your intuition. If you constantly feel invisible or that your value is diminished, it most likely means that something is wrong.
Mistake 4: Trying to compel someone to treat you differently without clarifying your own standards and setting boundaries.
Case study – “From being overlooked to being heard”
(Author’s note) A couple of things came to my mind when I had a new position at a medium-sized company: I noticed two things: several team members never looked me in the eye during meetings; their body language diminished when I spoke. I understood that they unintentionally did not consider me part of the group. So I did four things:
- I arranged personal meetings with them to better understand what mattered most to them.
- Firstly, I committed to supporting them in accomplishing their goals.
- I demonstrated my actualisation of the small victories and let them observe it.
- I solicited frank opinions about my initiatives.
They changed their conduct within two months: the eye contact got better, they requested my contribution, and I was included in the group.
The reason? Their emotions changed as I interacted with them in a different way—not because they suddenly liked me, but because I altered the dynamic and they started to feel that I belonged.
Understanding that people treat you according to how they feel about you gives you a lot of insight. You stop overthinking every little interaction and instead focus on the underlying emotional signal. You no longer tolerate bad treatment just because you “hope” that someone might feel differently. You begin to select relationships in which actions and emotions are consistent.
Keep in mind, you might not be able to alter someone’s feelings towards you—but you can definitely decide what you allow, how you react, and the relationships in which you put your time and energy.
Conclusion
If you desire to have relationships that are healthier and to be respected more, it would be a good idea to start with acknowledging the people whom treat you how they feel about you. Next, you ought to figure out what that means to you and how you will respond to it. Today, initiate it by considering this: In which places are you being treated with value? Where, on the contrary, are you not?
Set one boundary, tell people about it, and see by yourself how the dynamics are changing. How you are treated is of great importance. You are of great importance. Do not wait – take action right now!
Frequently Asked Questions
1-What gestures or signs should I look for to confirm that someone truly values me and is not merely pretending?
Pay more attention to their deeds rather than what they say.
2. What if no changes in behaviour can be observed even after I have confronted the person who treats me badly?
If so, it indicates that their treatment is their way of expressing how they feel about you (or not that they don’t feel anything)—decide whether you will stay.
3. Will enhancing my self-treatment result in others improving their treatment of me?
Certainly—respect for oneself largely influences the way others treat you.
4. Does this imply that I should terminate all the relationships in which I am treated unjustly?
Not necessarily—but you are required to evaluate that.
5. What is the best way to handle the situation when I receive mixed signals from someone—who, on the one hand, occasionally treats me well but, on the other, most of the time treats me poorly?
Understand inconsistency, inquire about it, and review patterns.
Read: Top Clear Signs You Should Talk to a Mental Health Professional Today